Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Are you a real writer? Use this handy-dandy checklist to find out

Let’s face it, anyone can write a book. Just like anyone can learn how to play guitar but it doesn’t automatically make you a rock star. Being a writer is as much a state of being as it is actually, you know, writing. After a close, careful study of some of literature’s greatest minds, I’ve compiled a checklist to see if you have what it takes call yourself a writer:

You drink coffee +10

You smoke +5

You drink +5

You drink a lot +10

You’re drunk right now +75 if it's Scotch, -200 if it's chardonnay 

You’ve done drugs +5

Those drugs are cocaine and/or heroin +10

Those drugs are anything other than cocaine and/or heroin -75

You own a gun +5 for each, extra +25 if you’ve taken a selfie with it

You’ve died young +5

You’ve died old +5

You’ve committed suicide +10

You’ve been married/divorced multiple times +10 for each marriage/divorce

You’re married to someone much younger than yourself +10

You’re married to someone much older than yourself +10

You married/slept with a family member (2nd cousin and higher) +45

You’ve had a homosexual experience +20 for each one

You’ve had extramarital affairs +10 for each one (prostitutes & celebrities x2)

You’re a minority -100

You’re a minority, but your penname sounds white +101

Your friends and family label you as quirky +10

Your friends and family label you as eccentric +100

Your friends and family label you as batshit insane +150,000

You’ve been in the military +10

You’ve been in a war +25

You’ve been in a mental hospital +50

You’ve lived in a different country for any amount of time +15

You write while sitting in a coffee house +10

That coffee house is Starbucks -5

That Starbucks is located in a Barnes and Noble +1

You've ever told the Starbucks barista that you’re this close to finishing your novel -150

You’re secretly bitter towards your peers +25

You’re blatantly bitter towards your peers +125

You’ve won awards for your writing +5 for each, -5 for each you’ve given yourself

Your unappreciated genius is too great for stupid awards +105

You have accused another writer/Hollywood of stealing your idea +15

You have a website +1

That website looks like it was designed in 2003 by a 5 year old +51

You’ve lived in poverty at some point +15

Your family has more money than God +15

You’ve personally squandered your family’s fortune and now live in poverty +35

You own a dog +10

You own a cat +15

That dog/cat is named after a character in a book you’ve never actually read -35

That dog/cat is named after a literary great whose works you don’t actually own -135

Your name is Stephen King +375 (x25 if it actually is)

You've actually written something longer than three pages +100

_____Your score

_____Your real score

_____Knock it off! You’re not Stephen King! He sure as hell wouldn’t be wasting his time with this crap! Do it again and be serious about it this time

Finished? Congratulations! Here are the results:

You know, if you were a real writer, you would have gotten three sentences into this drivel, scoffed, and then went back to playing solitaire for three hours straight all the while yelling at anyone that knocks on your door that they are “ruining your writing process”

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